Scenes IV and V
(The guys in the car, Stephen’s driving, Alex is shotgun, others in the back. “Dear Prudence” by The Beatles is playing.)
Stephen: You know what makes this song so wonderful?
Alex: What’s that?
Stephen: It’s so powerful and yet, at the same time, so gentle. When I hear this song I picture a foggy alleyway. And from the smoke emerges a dark figure: a strapping broad-shouldered man, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger. But he’s holding the hand of a child, guiding him away from some dark macabre scene, leading him to a place filled with light, love, and maybe even just a little bit of hope.
Alex: (thinks about it for a while) Sounds about right.
(Kevin is sitting on a piano playing a song. Alex comes rushing in with his cell phone in hand)
Jared: Alex had some good news.
Alex: I did it! I got a date with Audrey.
Kevin: Hey, nice job buddy! Wait, I thought she had a boyfriend…
Alex: Well, yeah but…
Kevin: Then it’s not going to be a date.
Alex: No, not necessarily…
Shayna: Oh god, Alex. Face it, she doesn’t like you.
Alex: Then why would she agree to go to the movies with me?
Shayna: Look poopy-head, she’s has a boyfriend.
Shayna: Besides, she’s your friend. To her, she’s just going to see a movie with her friend.
Alex: But why would she think that I would just want to go as a friend?
Kevin: Well how did you word it? When you asked her on the date, what did you say?
Alex: Like what part?
Kevin: Did you say “can I take you to the movies?”
Alex: No, I said “would you like to go the movies with me?”
Shayna: Right. So you didn’t imply that you were taking her, but that she would simply be accompanying you.
Kevin: Exactly. You put yourself on a completely equal level with her. Where’s your masculinity? You’ve made it so that both of you are going to the same movie at the same time, there’s no romantic part.
Shayna: So there. It’s not a date, hippo-face. (She leaves)
Alex: Hippo-face? (to Kevin) Look, I’ve got to figure this out. I need to be able to move this from the friend zone to the date zone.
Alex: But I don’t want to come off being too pretentious about it.
Kevin: Right. Wait, is it pretentious or portentous?
Alex: I don’t know. Both, I think.
Alex: Yeah, portentous means both amazing and pompous. Pretentious on the other hand, just means claiming unjustified importance. See, the main difference is that a pretentious man is pompous without anything to back it up, and a portentous man is pompous but may actually have reason to be.
Kevin: Why do you know this?
Alex: I’m just a smart guy.
Jared: Actually, the truth is that the writer of this scene, being the person the character of Alex is based on, looked up the definitions of these words online in hopes of making Alex look like a supremely intelligent person. Perhaps this was done to compensate for the writer’s actual intellect, which is only barely above average.
Alex: Yeah, I know a lot of things about… a lot of things.
Kevin: You sure do, Alex. I wish I were as smart as you… and as handsome too.
Jared: The writer of this scene is fugly.
Alex: Anyway, I’ve got a plan.
Kevin: Let’s hear it.
Alex: The first way to tell if she considers this a date or not will occur at the ticket booth. When it comes to our turn, I will walk up to the next available teller to pay for the tickets. If she follows me, I’m in and it’s an official date. But, if she goes to another teller, that means she plans on paying for herself and isn’t quite ready to ride into the date zone.
Kevin: Okay, so if she follows you to the teller, it’s a date. But if she splits, you’ll be crying in the shower tonight.
Alex: Exactly. Now the next step occurs when we’re sitting down in the theatre. There’s two types of seats. Friends sit in the chairs that rock back. People who are dating sit in the seats that don’t rock and have the armrests that go up.
Kevin: Ah, the love seats.
Alex: Right, so in order to get us sitting in the love seats, I have to play dumb, as if I don’t know about the difference. I’ll just keep talking to her, and out of the corner of my eye I’ll scope out some good love seats and we’ll be cuddling in no time.
Kevin: Nice. Wait, what about the armrest? What if it’s in the down position? How’re you going to put it up without looking like a portentous jerk?
Kevin: Pretentious jerk?
Alex: Hmmm. I’ve got it. Now this’ll be hard, but if I can pull it off it will be amazing. Since I’m leading, if I block the armrest from her view with my body I can do sort of quick maneuver to flip it as I slide into my seat, and she’ll never even notice it was down in the first place.
Kevin: Interesting. Okay, so you’ve bought the tickets, you’re sitting in the love seats, the armrest is up. So now you’ve just got to make the move.
Alex: Yeah, I’ll put my arm around her.
Kevin: The yawn? (demonstrates)
Kevin: The fireworks? (demonstrates)
Kevin: So what’re you going to do?
Alex: I don’t know. Probably be like “Man, I love this surround sound system. There’s a speaker over there, over there, and over there (points) and then the arm just drops. It’s perfect.
Kevin: Wow. There is no way that this could possibly go wrong.
Jared: Right, because dates to the movies never go wrong. (flashback to earlier movie theater scene: Sean: Pass the popcorn.)